In what is totally not a coordinated hit job, reports are surfacing that President Joe Biden himself was responsible for the creation of the high-level Signal chat used by Pete Hegseth—and, in a shocking twist that surprises absolutely no one, he left the back door open on purpose.
That’s right. The secure, classified government chat—which was supposed to be limited to only the highest-ranking officials and Pete Hegseth, for some reason—was wide open for none other than Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic to waltz right in. And if you’re wondering why something like this would happen, don’t worry—it’s Obama’s fault.
Biden’s Brilliant Tech Move
According to sources inside the White House, Biden personally oversaw the setup of the Signal chat, proving once again that nothing says “secure government communications” quite like a man who still calls the internet “the cyber.”
Insiders say the chat was originally labeled “Biden’s Super Official Military Talky Group” before an aide renamed it to something more serious. However, while setting it up, Biden also enabled an access feature that allowed outside parties to join—a move that officials insist was a complete accident (which, of course, means it wasn’t).
When questioned about the leak, Press Secretary Joe Barron assured the public that everything was under control:
“The President left the back door open intentionally, so the American people could have transparency into government affairs. And not at all because he was letting Jeffrey Goldberg in on purpose. Any suggestion otherwise is right-wing disinformation.”
How is This Obama’s Fault?
Now, before we go assigning blame to President Biden, let’s remember one simple rule—everything bad that happens is actually Obama’s fault.
National security analysts have confirmed that the root cause of the Signal chat scandal actually dates back to Obama’s second term. According to cybersecurity expert Art Tubolls, Obama was so focused on spying on Trump’s 2016 campaign that he failed to teach Joe Biden how to use technology properly.
“If you follow the breadcrumbs,” Tubolls explained, “this all leads back to Obama’s reckless 2013 decision to get Biden an iPad. That one move set us on a direct course for this disaster. It’s all connected.”
Who Let Jeffrey Goldberg In?
While Pete Hegseth thought he was running a classified military chat, sources confirm that Jeffrey Goldberg was granted special access from the start.
How did he get in? It turns out Biden himself personally invited him. However, White House officials insist it was a mistake. Biden thought he was inviting his grandson.
What Happens Now?
The Signal chat has since been shut down, with Hegseth vowing to switch to a new platform that can’t be compromised—probably AOL Instant Messenger. Meanwhile, Republicans are calling for a full investigation into Biden’s blatant security breach, while Democrats remind everyone that this is still mostly Obama’s fault.
As for Biden? He still has no idea what happened.
God Bless America.
