In a shocking but entirely predictable move, President Donald Trump has officially banned The Atlantic from the White House briefing room, calling them “crooked fake news” after their editor-in-chief, Jeffrey Goldberg, was caught hacking into a classified government Signal chat.

Yes, you read that right. According to Trump administration officials, Goldberg—a journalist known for writing things that make MAGA world very upset—illegally accessed a secure White House group chat to steal state secrets, spread fake news, or maybe just to find out where Trump was golfing that day.

The “Hack” That Rocked the Nation

The breach was discovered when Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth noticed a strange new participant in the Signal chatroom, which was labeled something highly inconspicuous, like “Top Secret War Plans – Do Not Leak.” Goldberg, apparently feeling bold, even sent a message:

“Hey, guys. What are we talking about?”

As White House officials scrambled to contain the situation, an internal investigation uncovered the shocking truth—Goldberg had used high-level hacking techniques to access the classified chat. By “high-level,” of course, we mean he typed in the password, which was 12345.

That’s right. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. The same combination Hegseth uses for his luggage.

Pam Bondi: “This Is the Crime of the Century”

Former Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi, who is now somehow involved in national security matters, immediately called for Goldberg’s indictment on charges of cyberterrorism, espionage, and “just being really mean to Trump.”

“This is worse than Watergate,” Bondi declared. “We are talking about a level of deception and lawlessness that threatens the very foundation of our democracy.” When a reporter pointed out that Goldberg didn’t actually “hack” anything—he just guessed the password in under three seconds, Bondi shot back:

“THAT’S NOT THE POINT!”

Trump Lowers the Banhammer

Not one to let a crisis go to waste, Trump took decisive action by banning The Atlantic from all future White House briefings, stating:

“They’re crooked. They’re fake news. They’re the worst news. Frankly, the worst. Nobody’s been hacked worse than us, believe me. But we caught them, folks. We caught them big time.”

Hegseth Takes the Fall

Meanwhile, Hegseth has come under intense scrutiny for his role in the security disaster. In response, he announced a sweeping overhaul of government cybersecurity—by changing all his passwords to “password123.”

“This is a strong, complex password,” Hegseth assured reporters. “It’s much safer than 12345, which, in hindsight, might have been a little too obvious.”

What Happens Next?

While Bondi pushes for Goldberg’s indictment and Trump declares victory over the forces of journalism, cybersecurity experts are now urging the White House to rethink its entire approach to online security. However, sources say Trump is hesitant to embrace two-factor authentication, as he finds text message codes “too confusing.”

As for The Atlantic, Goldberg denies any wrongdoing, insisting that it’s not his fault if national security was being guarded by the same password used by 9-year-olds and their grandparents.

And so, another chapter in this administration’s never-ending fight against the evils of journalism comes to a close. The lesson? America may have nuclear weapons, but it still doesn’t know how to use a password manager.

God Bless America.