The rumors of Kathy Griffin’s demise aren’t only true, they’re extremely understated.

According to sources in Malibu, Kathy Griffin lives in a cheap motel about three miles from the beach frequented by professional escorts and preferred by adulterers. For legal reasons, we can’t mention it by name, but we can confirm that it may or may not exist.

Griffin is there because her bankruptcy went through, leaving her with a small amount of cash and bad credit, and her comedy tour was a complete flop. She reportedly spends her days pretending to be a 15-year-old boy trolling Roseanne Barr on X. The last phase of her plastic surgery…didn’t go well.

“Basically, she’s over and broke, because she went woke,” said Motel Manager Joe Barron, “Everyone here knows it. She’s friendly with the Wiccans in 13 and 14, so she’s got some peeps still. And we’re the third cheapest in Malibu, not THE cheapest.”

ALLOD Journalisticator Tara Newhole ran the story down personally as part of our fact-checking process and found that the motel in question was likely fictional and that the whole thing was a “crock of bullhonkey.”

“You made it up, Flagg,” she said in her report, “I suppose you want In-N-Out while I’m here.”

Well heck yeah, patriot. God bless America.